Predictions for UFC 82: Pride of a Champion

On March 1 in Columbus, Ohio, UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva fights Dan Henderson. (MMAweekly.com Photo)

The people running the UFC hate Anderson Silva and would gladly wipe their genitals down a cheese grater if, somehow, that would put the belt around Rich Franklin's waist again. Unlike the current champion, Franklin is an American who speaks English and looks enough like Jim Carrey to win the hearts of preteen girls across the Bible Belt, which is great, considering he is also a creationist. Unfortunately, Franklin is also totally incapable of beating Silva, as proven in two crash test fights, both of which left him reeling around the octagon like he'd just crashed a speeding golf cart into a brick wall.

Enter Dan Henderson. Sure, instead of being a high school math teacher like Franklin, he might have the light-headed demeanor of someone who's just spent the night in a freshly painted room, but at least he speaks English and may have the tools to win the belt. Those are the only two criteria that octagon matchmakers care about. Henderson might have two horribly cauliflowered ears and a nose that looks like the dial on a parking meter, but the UFC would rather see his face on a box of Wheaties than Silva's smiling, bald head on a box of Brazilian-strength spider repellent.

Dan Henderson vs. Anderson Silva

What happened to the 170-pound Silva that lost badly to Ryo Chonan and Daiju Takase in Pride? I think that Brazilian scientists cloned him and mixed his DNA with Tyrannosaurus Rex genes to make the 185-pound monster we see today. Then, they welded an iron mask onto the face of the smaller Silva, cut out his vocal chords and released him into the rainforests of South America, where he is now seen loping between trees by frightened bushmen on moonless nights and known only as "Mascara Homem da Selva" (Mask Man of the Jungle).

Now, the world of mixed martial arts has been dealt a Cloverfield style, super-powered monster. Franklin, Chris Leben and Nate Marquardt probably still have nightmares about being struck down by a leaping creature that lunges out of the shadows, knees them brutally in the head and then instantly disappears, leaving only the haunting smell of Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion lingering in the air. Will Henderson do any better?

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